Ein Fund. Ich hab es leider nur auf Englisch. Wer es lesen kann -enjoy.
Ich nenne es mal "Out of a Redneck's life."
BEWARE YOUR CHOICE FOR DEFENSE!
Here's a story about 'The Electric Fence & The Lawnmower'. "We have a 6' Square Tube & Welded Wire Fence in our front yard. Last Saturday, when I heard some Thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm. So, I got an Electric Fence & ran a Single Wire along the Top of the Fence.
Actually, I got the Biggest Cattle Charger, Tractor Supply had available for 12.5 Miles of Fence. I then used an 8' long Ground Rod, welded a 1/2 Masonry Bit to a piece of Round Rod & sunk the Ground Rod 7.5' into the ground, down to the limestone. The Ground Rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
On Wednesday, my Idiot Neighbors hired another Idiot to trim all their Oak Trees, (yes, in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt), but that’s a whole other story.
So,one of the Limbs came crashing down on top of my Fence, leaving the Main Wire down in my yard. So, yesterday, I was mowing the yard with my 5HP Briggs & Stratton Push Mower. I knew for a fact that I had unplugged the Fence Charger, so I pushed the Mower around the Wire, then reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
Well, my sweet little wife had seen that the Fence Charger was Unplugged and thought one of our dogs had managed to knock it loose. So, She plugged It back In for me! How very thoughtful of her.
And there I was, standing there, with the running Lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 Giga-Volt Fence Wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the Fence Charger is about the size of a Marine Battery and has a picture of an Upside Down Cow On Fire on the cover.
Time.......Stood........Still.......... The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the Lawnmower Ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the Spark in my head. I was literally 'At One with the Engine'.
It seems as though the Fence Charger and that damn Lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical Impulses. Now, Science says you cannot Poop, Pee & Vomit at the same time. I beg to differ! Not only did I do all 3 at once, but my Bowels emptied 3 different times in less than 1/2 second. It was a Matrix kind of Bowel Movement, where time is creeping along, you're all leaned back & BAM BAM BAM, you just shit your pants 3 times.
It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.
At this point I was about 30 minutes, (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the Fence Wire. My hand was wrapped around the Wire, palm down, so I couldn't let go. I grew up on a Ranches, so I knew all about Electric Fences, but Grandpa always had those Piece of Shit Chargers made by International or whoever that were possibly 9 Volts & just kinda tickled.
This one, I could not let go of! That 8' long Ground Rod was accepting signals from me through the solid Limestone Rock. At this point, I was thinking I was going to have to just man up and take it, until the Lawnmower ran out of gas.
'Damn'!, I thought as I remembered, I just filled the tank! So, the Lawnmower was starting to run rough. It had settled into a Loping Run Pattern -as if it had some kind of big Lawnmower Race Cam in it. Covered in Poop, Pee & with my Vomit on my chest, I thought, "Oh God, please die. Pleeeeaze die". But nooooo! it settles into the rough lumpy Cam, idling nicely like a Big Bore Roller Cam Engine waiting for the go command from the driver’s right foot.
So, there I was in the middle of June, 104 degrees, 80% Humidity, standing in my own front yard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery of my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The Lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were 2 large dead grass spots where I had been standing and then another long skinny dead spot where the Wire had laid while I was on the ground, still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing, had somehow let go of the Wire.
Upon waking from my Electrically Induced Sleep, I realized a few things:
#1: 3 of my Teeth seem to have melted.
#2: I had cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek, (not the left, just the right).
#3: Poop, Pee & Vomit, all mixed together, did not smell as bad as you might think.
#4: My left eye would not open.
#5: My right eye would not close.
#6: The Lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now! Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
#7: My Nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.
#8: I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the # 4. (I still don't understand that).
This experience has changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more and now I will always triple check to make sure the Fence Charger has been unplugged before I mow".
(And as if I haven't learned anything at all from this) -
"The good news is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him and that gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow".
Falls jemand Fragen zu bestimmten Ausdurecken hat, bitte fragen.
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